While I mainly work with adults either in a group workshop setting or one-on-one, I have also worked with ‘at risk’ kids. These are kids who display behavioural problems and often come from difficult backgrounds.
As a young fella, I was mostly fairly well-behaved, but it wouldn’t be a stretch to say I was an ‘at risk’ kid myself. I can certainly attest to the fact that it’s difficult to concentrate on school when you don’t have food in your belly, or when you didn’t get much sleep due to the fights in your household.
The problem is, we never really know what a child is facing at home. We can make assumptions and decide that only the “naughty” kids have difficult home lives, but sometimes the opposite is true. There are plenty of quiet kids who face terrible neglect that slip through the cracks.
The answer, I believe, is to treat all children as the worthy, interesting, unique humans they are – with inner worlds just as vivid as our own. Since we don’t know their story, why not just assume that everyone has some shit they’re dealing with, and be as kind as we can be?
Even if those kids are your own flesh and blood, and you feel pretty confident that they have easy lives (my kids fall into this category), it’s important to remember that the mind-based challenges they face may not seem all that significant, but they are real to them.
This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have any rules. It just means we are safe, approachable and consistent. Some ways you can build rapport with kids, while still keeping the boundaries in place, include:
- Seeing the child as a person. As I’ve written above, it’s important to remember that the kid isn’t just a kid, they’re a complex human with a vivid inner world and problems that are either very real, or at least seem very real to them. Our job isn’t to determine if their problems are big enough to matter, our job is to listen without judgement and provide a safe space for the child to share how they’re feeling. On a similar note, paying attention to individual traits and interests makes children feel seen for the individuals they are. It can be a matter of, “Hey Caden, I know you love dinosaurs, which one is your favourite?” When you notice kids’ interests it can make a huge difference in terms of their confidence levels.
- Building psychological safety. There are plenty of ways you can build psychological safety, but one of the easiest ways is by encouraging kids to ask questions and share ideas, and by being consistently approachable and calm when they do. I will never forget in year 3 of school when a teacher asked the classroom, “What are some other names for police officers?” I put my hand up and enthusiastically replied, “Cops!” To this day I have no idea why she had a problem with this answer, but she responded that I was “disrespectful” and that she hoped one day I’d need the police and they wouldn’t come. What she didn’t know is that only a few nights prior I had called the police when my mother was being beaten up, which was not abnormal at the time. Kids haven’t had enough experience to be expected to know exactly how our culture works, so even if I’d said something that definitely is disrespectful (like “pigs”), the best response would have been, “Sure, some people say that. But it’s actually not a nice thing to call them. Can you think of anything else?” As a side note I think she might have been aiming for sergeant, constable, etc… who knows. The point is, for the rest of that year I did not feel safe to get involved with the class and avoided answering any questions.
- Have rules, but not just for the sake of it. Kids absolutely need some boundaries, and it’s important to have rules. That said, it isn’t a case of the more rules the better; if you lump a kid with too many rules, they soon stop trying to walk between the fine lines you’ve made for them. Don’t make life unnecessarily difficult for yourself, or for the kids you work/live with, by having a plethora of rules for the sake of it. Consider what matters most and not much more.
- Being consistent and fair. This means that the rules apply equally to all, and they apply at all times. It also means being careful with promises and consequences; don’t make a promise you can’t keep, and don’t threaten a consequence if you won’t follow through. This helps kids to know that you are a safe person to be around, even if they don’t always like you. And as a side note: it’s OK for them to not always like you.
- Don’t apologise for rules. You don’t have to constantly explain or apologise for the rules you have. Don’t get caught in these argumentative spirals; if you feel confident that your rules are reasonable and fair, explain them and stick by them, but don’t fall into the trap of constantly justifying yourself. There are rules everywhere you go in life.
- Don’t try to monitor or modify kids’ emotions. Make sure you allow children the opportunity to be human and have a wide range of feelings. While it’s perfectly reasonable to have behaviour-based rules such as “no swearing” (if that’s important to you), it would be damaging to have a rule that your children aren’t allowed to be angry or annoyed. Everyone gets angry, sad, annoyed, frustrated. Emotions are normal and they aren’t actually the problem. Feelings don’t need to be stuffed down, but they shouldn’t determine our behaviour. Feelings and actions are two different things, and rules need to be based on actions not feelings.
- Talk to the children, not ‘at’ them: We need to remember that we are speaking to a whole human being, not “just a child”. Don’t be afraid to be a little bit vulnerable, without going into too much personal detail. Listening to a child and saying, “Yes, I feel that way sometimes, too” then telling a short story discussing one of your own experiences, faults, worries, or fears can help kids feel connected to us. As an example from my own experience when working with kids, a young girl was upset because her dad had promised to pick her up from school, but he didn’t turn up. I was aware that her parents had recently separated. While we waited for her mum, I asked her to come for a little walk with me. We chatted for a little while and once she finished telling her story, I told her that when I was her age, my parents separated and I found it hard. She gave me a big hug and often sought me out to have a chat thereafter (usually not about anything personal, once it was just to show me her new socks!). Naturally, we don’t want to go too personal or share big, traumatising stories. We aren’t trying to make it all about us. But a brief personal story can help show empathy and enhance connection.
- Don’t let a child’s ‘flip out’ lead to you ‘flipping out’. No matter how great we are at dealing with kids, most kids will still “flip out” occasionally! The most important thing to remember when a child is flipping out (i.e. crying, screaming, throwing a tantrum) is that during these episodes, logic will not work, and losing your cool will not work, either! The reason why logic won’t work is because during emotional overload, the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that is logical, and can actually respond to logic), is literally off-line. This happens to adults, too. The best thing to do when kids flip out is to help them return to a calm state first, because you are teaching them to self-regulate. Taking a child for a walk outside is a good way to shift them from their sympathetic state to their parasympathetic state. After a minute or so of walking, you can ask them something like, “How many blue things can you see?” Activities such as these bring us back to our present surroundings. Then, of course, once things have settled, there may be a conversation that takes place about the rules etc. But sometimes that isn’t even necessary.
- Praise qualities they can continue to grow. Constantly praising a child for innate qualities such as telling them they are “pretty” or “smart”, can lead to a lack of focus on the skills they can actually build and rely upon their whole lives; like effort, determination, courage, honesty, and kindness. If a child is constantly told they are “smart”, what happens when they fail an exam, or when another kid does better than them? Often, what happens is they decide they are actually not smart at all, so they lose confidence and sometimes give up trying completely. Similarly, a child constantly told they are “pretty” can start to see that as part of their identity – what happens when they see a child who they decide is “prettier”? How do they cope with that, and what’s special about them now? I’m not saying there is anything wrong with complimenting a child for innate qualities (if you’ve done this, don’t fret), but it’s much better for kids to focus on the qualities that they have some level of control over.
- Make ‘fun’ a priority, expect the best and reinforce the positive! Look for lots of fun activities to do to keep kids entertained. Reinforce positive behaviour and give the kids the opportunity to surprise you. Be willing to catch them being good (be genuine and specific with your positive feedback). Let them hear you praising them to others.
By treating kids as individuals, ensuring that we tend to our own state of mind, and focusing on behavioural-based rules and consistency, we can build great rapport with kids, while still keeping those important boundaries in place.
***
Receive Stedo’s new articles by email